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Short blacks and heart attacks
Oct. 1st, 2007
07:04 pm - A very grand final
FInal scores:
Geelong - 163
Port Adelaide - 44
Sledges given to Port supporters - 12
Beverages consumed - 16
Random manhugs - 22
Things yelled out of car windows - 56
Pubs denied entry - 2
Jul. 15th, 2007
06:35 pm - The best waylaid plans...
A quiet weekend planned, not much on, the perfect time to get some badly needed housework done. Then Chip turns up on my doorstep at 8pm Friday night.
Hours spent in pubs, clubs and other palaces of debauchery: 28
Hours spent sleeping off the effects of pubs, clubs and other palaces of debauchery: 22
Hours spent doing housework: 0
Not much change from usual, then.
Jun. 25th, 2007
10:51 pm - Trivial Pursuivant
Got roped into a trivia team by a few workmates late last week, and managed to answer several tricky questions:
- What two countries have never lost a World Cup final? (A: England & Uruguay)
- Which country has the taller mountain, Norway or Russia? (A: Russia)
- What was the name of the boy band in the Simpsons? (A: Power Posse)
- How long can I keep drinking with the 18 year-old finance trainee before she drinks me under the table? (A: 5 jugs of beer)
Also, playing poker has come in handy for situations that require a straight face:
Work: So, why were you away on Friday?
Me: Food poisoning
Work: ...
Me: Yep, dodgy chicken
Work: Is that what you're calling it?
Me: I don't know what you're talking about...
May. 29th, 2007
07:43 pm - Welcome to the neighbourhood
Having just moved to a place far more metropolitan than I've ever been in before (well, the competition's not much chop - sorry Echuca), it takes a while to get used to a few of the quirkier elements of city living.
Arrived home from a trip to a sporting event the other night, and found one of the strangest things I've ever experienced...
Someone has pooed on my fence.
I shit you not (bad pun intended).
This has absolutely boggled my poor little brain, and has raised a series of disturbing questions:
- Who shits on a fence?
- Why a fence?
- Why my fence in particular? Is it a 'welcome to the hood' thing?
- What was the thought process that was going on? "Geez, I need to take a quick crap, public toilets are obviously rubbish, bushes just don't cut it, AHA, a fence! Now I can shit in comfort!"
I have now armed myself with Domestos, White King and elbow length rubber gloves. Wish me luck.
06:19 pm - I are back!
Things that have occured since last post:
- Broke up with a girl
- Started a fight akin to a rolling rugby scrum with a government department
- Got a 'prentice
- Got 2 new qualifications
- Got 4000 parking tickets (thank you Geelong Shitty Council)
- Got a girl
- Got a cat
- Lost girl, cat & sanity all in one week
- Launched a coup
- Ceded power from said coup
- Took up poker
- I mean, REALLY took up poker
- Was on the receiving end of an attempted shafting by an IT slavetrader
- Delivered a brutal shafting right back at said IT slavetrader
- Got headhunted by an AFL club (you know the one, you probably hate them)
- Moved to Melbourne, regained sanity (must have had it packed in a box somewhere)
- Watched as former 'prentice did not only my job, but the jobs of two other people (in a manner far more competent than I ever was)
Executive summary: some stuff happened
Nov. 30th, 2005
08:09 am - Junket season
The weather is starting to warm up, the cricket is on the telly, Christmas decorations are in all the shops. All the signs are there for one of the more joyous times of the IT year: Junket Season.
The invites that get spammed to inboxes worldwide suddenly take on a new atmosphere, an atmosphere of "drinks provided".
Of course, it always helps to have an experienced junketwatcher in these matters to help you sort the wheat from the chaff. Ben's long experience with vendor boozeups makes him something of a drunken Man Friday, navigating through keynotes and Powerpoint slides to the glorious free beverages contained within.
Tis the season to be plastered.
Oct. 25th, 2005
10:28 pm - Filling the Hump of Hate
I subscribe to the Bill Hicks School Of Thought, particularly as it relates to Nightclubs, Enjoyment, Lack Thereof. However, every six months or so I forget this, and end up "going out", as the cool kids like to say.
Last Saturday, I went out clubbing in Bendigo. Yeah, great move.
While standing in line to get into the local debauchery palace, a young chick next to me tapped me on the shoulder and asked, "When do you guys leave?"
Feeling puzzled (and slightly drunk), I enquired as to what the hell she was talking about. Turns out the Bendigo Show was on the weekend.
"Doesn't the show leave tomorrow? You guys ARE carnies, right?"
I now know how to enjoy nightclubbing. All I need is diplomatic immunity, and a baseball bat.
Oct. 21st, 2005
03:59 pm - To each their own...
Last day for Year 12's today.
First school I am at, ballons strung up on the fence.
Go to the all-girls school, and it was pretty much the same, except substituting g-strings for balloons.
Those crazy kids.
Oct. 10th, 2005
07:26 pm - Yaaa pup paaa, yup pup pup paaa
Ah, there's nothing quite like a day at the cricket. Went to Telstra Dome for the second game against the World XI, and fun times were had by all. Well except the bloke sitting in front of us who kept complaining that we were too loud (Mate, it's a bloody cricket game)!
Some highlights:
- Missing the train from Geelong, causing me to drive us to the Werribee train station and leave my car there for the weekend (I was amazed I still had tyres, much less a stereo when I came back to get it).
- Ben having a "bit of a chat" with a ticket inspector at Spencer St Station (it's hilarious to watch a Chief Information Officer who runs his own IT business on the side convince someone that they're "just a tourist from the bush who doesn't know anything...)
- The Telstra Dome bar staff watching us, wondering how we're so pissed when we keep walking up to them and saying "three Cokes thanks" (good old hipflask).
- Two Norweigan guys who took us to the pub at the interval and basically bought us half a jug each (I was strugglilng to see in straight lines, much less walk in them).
- Me, post-Norweigan hospitality, thinking I got into a fight 'cause of the blood stains on my shirt (until Ben tasted it and informed me that it was, in fact, jam donut).
- The three of us finding the room where confiscated items are kept, sneaking in and stealing a four foot inflatable penis, which then got punched around the crowd like a beach ball (after some amusing WTF looks on people's faces).
- Pretending to be asleep/passed out on the train ride home, thereby avoiding paying for carriage (and opening the doors at 80Km/h to have a ciggie).
Bring on Boxing Day!
Sep. 26th, 2005
01:34 am - Make 'em like they used to
So, having been driving for 9 hours this weekend has prompted me to bite the bullet and buy some kind of entertainment facility for my vehicle, in the form of an MP3 player. Whilst in Albury, Damo and I gave it a quick squizz, and we stopped when we couldn't get the old unit out.
Oh well, I'll just catch up with one of my mechanically-inclined friends in Bendigo, thinks I. Got the wiring done, just gotta drop it in. How hard can it be? It took about 15 minutes on the Gemini...
I now owe Ben 6 hours of his life back.
Sep. 23rd, 2005
01:56 pm - Ye olden times
Have just arrived in Albury to catch up with a mate of mine, Damo. Damo's better half has taken off across the country with their rugrat in order to watch her sister get married, and to cheer/heckle as appropriate. This means that for the first time in three years, Damo is in Bachelor Mode.
As an individual who has a factory-default setting of Bachelor Mode, I have volunteered to remind Damo how it works. The bottle of Wild Turkey that I obtained on the trip is also rendering assistance.
Sep. 11th, 2005
12:09 pm - The Broken-Hearted Traveller
I flew from Geelong to Sydney (first time I've ever been in Sydney), I turned up to the SCG in full colours of the mighty Cats, I had seats next to the Sydney cheer squad....
For three-and-a-half quarters, I cheered with full voice, waving that flag like it has never been waved before. Then Nick Davis turned up.
I have never been so gutted after watching a game of footy.
Sep. 1st, 2005
02:09 pm - Anti-procrastination incentives
The old saying "never put off until tomorrow what you can do today" is not an allegory that I follow, what with being a lazy bastard and all. When it involves purchasing petroleum, however, I am happy to make an exception. Between cartels and hurricanes, in the near future it is going to become cheaper to run my car on cocaine.
The reason for requiring fuel is that one of my gaming mates is having his engagement party on the weekend, in my old hometown. He's one of these scarily capable players who has the ability to wander up to the flag that six of you are guarding, casually wave his gun around, and make you want to take up lawn bowls instead.
The part that's making me worried about the weekend, though, is that the object of his affections is a teacher. Who works in a school. A school that I previously worked at. A school at which I had a few weeks of "telling it like it is" at a few people when I was leaving.
Now you know why petrol is an issue for me. I've been pouring it on all my bridges. Bugger.
Aug. 22nd, 2005
06:27 pm - Self-inflicted stumbling
As you get older, you find that you just can't back up from a big night like you used to.
After six beers, you find that you forget this.
I was happy, slighty drunk, and moshing my little heart out up the front to Regurgitator. Fun times were had by all.
Waking up in the morning however, was the point at which my knees decided to give me some serious grief. Turns out that I have the knees of a 53-year-old. I suppose that everyone that thinks I'm old before my time would be feeling a certain sense of justification right about now.
Work was hell. So many, many stairs...
Aug. 14th, 2005
05:00 pm - My new claim to fame
The footy yesterday has been mostly expunged from my memory, thanks to the liberal application of scotch. However, there is one moment that I'll hang on to.
Nathan Ablett, son of the club champion, made his debut yesterday. In the second quarter, he marked about 35m out, turned around and kicked his first AFL goal.
He also hit me in the head.
Ah, memories!
Aug. 12th, 2005
04:57 pm - Worst sense of timing ever....
Follow the flowchart here:
1. It snows.
2. The front window to the house gets broken.
3. The landlord rocks up to say hi.
Fan-frickin-tastic.
Aug. 2nd, 2005
09:23 pm - Pinning back the ears
Have just taken possession (metaphorically speaking) of an upgraded DSL connection. With 3 of us living in this house, and 2.5 of us being nerds, it was a move that really had to be made. Currently experiencing the joy that comes with having a shiny new connection.
Non-nerds may shake their heads sadly, but it's like someone installing a third lung and expanded airways in your chest. Now you can suck down more of the stuff you really want!
Jul. 30th, 2005
01:46 pm - Happiness is a warm fridge
As anyone in a long-distance relationship should know, preparing little surprises for your Beloved One should be at least an occasional event. With this in mind, I set about cooking tea for my better half. This is about as forward-thinking as I get. In fact, the two completely unrelated ideas that I had were:
1: I'll make dessert for her the night before. Genius! Something involving Dairy-Filled Goodness.
2: Gee, this fridge could do with a good cleaning.
Make dessert, empty fridge, turn fridge off, cleanse thoroughly (nuclear reactors don't get cleaned as comprehensively as this), put dessert in fridge, collapse into bed feeling pretty good about life.
The eagle-eyed among you may have spotted my missing step: TURN THE FUGGIN FRIDGE BACK ON!
It went in as Dairy-Filled Goodness. It came out as Disease-Filled Slop, Now With Added Bacteria.
A for effort, F for thinking.
Jul. 26th, 2005
06:46 pm - Study tool
You know, computers are fantastic things. Gateways to learning and whatnot. I, however, have chosen to let my study notes co-exist on the same machine as NBA Live 2005, which makes learning a very interesting experience.
Q: What did you learn today?
A: That the Pistons can hit triples down the stretch, forcing me to play a defensive/transition style of play. Oh, and something about routing.
Jul. 22nd, 2005
11:06 am - Procrastination with representation
Well, that was a first. I've heckled many Members of Parliament before, but I've never been on the receiving end of their beaurecrat-return-fire.
Turns out the Underling to the Education Minister for the great State of Victoria got a bit shitty when I informed her department that they couldn't organise a root in a Bangkok brothel, and had all the people skills of a pack of rabid rottweillers. That's not what earned me the yelling though. (Well, maybe she's already worked that out.)
Basically, we are currently having a wireless deployment thrown at us that has a few "teething issues" (otherwise known as "doesn't bloody work"). I, exercising my better judgment and discretion, threw it in a cupboard. This is what I like to call an "offline installation" (i.e. "keep that fuggin thing away from me"). We then go and build a you-beaut kickarse all-singing all-dancing wireless solution that works rather seamlessly. Don't know how we did it, but there you go.
Fast forward some months, and the Chief Lackey for IT in the department makes with the nasty phonecalls at me. Not particularly pleasant, screaming at me about a mandate (which I hope to hell wasn't a pickup line) and ordering me to install "the departmental standard" (i.e. "you're making us look like twats").
So we plugged it in.
We now have our junior network kid throwing screws down the back of it at random intervals, and are taking bets as to how long it will last. Hey, it's Friday...
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